Slight problem, in burning the black candles at midnight a little while back, we kinda got carried away. Now I can't seem to get the black candle wax out of the red lace without staining. Do you have any suggestions? And how about out of acoustic popcorn on the ceiling? ( I had no idea the wax was going to spray so far...)

For the lace, you need to remove the excess first. This is best done by putting an ice cube on the wax to harden it, then peeling or scraping off the excess wax. After that, place an absorbent piece of paper underneath. A brown paper bag works great. Put a white paper towel over the top. Place a warm (not hot) iron on top over the paper towel and it should draw the wax up to the towel.

The ceiling? Wow! I might need to take a look at that personally. Next time you have one of these midnight candle burnings, please invite me. If all else fails, the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse are pretty handy when it comes to household fix-ups. Death used to be in the ceiling flocking business -- of course that was in 2257 BC and they used dung then. I'll have him e-mail you.

Have you been barcoded yet?

Name: Hirum B.
e-mail: [email protected]

I'll turn to you to solve my social gaffe. In the last two days I've been invited to a Pentagram Coming Out Party for the Commissioner of the IRS, a demon summoning for Dr. Gene Scott AND the Annual 700 Club's "Exorcise One For Yahweh". Here's my problem: May I bring the same goat to the Exorcism or must I substitute the regular Cup of Blood for a dietetic organic fluid substitute? Sorry, but Miss Manners won't return my calls and Art Bell's phone lines are STILL tapped

Don't use the same goat for both events and for the hell's sake, forget about the synthetic blood. Both are major social faux paus. Take the goat to the coming out party and get some virgin's blood for the 700 club. It's what keeps Pat Robertson looking so young. He's actually 93 you know.

Of course if you were appearing on Paul and Jan Crouch's "Praise the Lord" show, you'd need to bring the actual virgin. Jan prefer's fresh blood. That's why her hair is pink.

Name: Rick
e-mail: [email protected]

Hi Bob, Happy Thanksgiving! I was just wondering if animals, specifically turkeys, had souls, and if so, do good turkeys go to Heaven (yuk) and bad ones to Hell?

White turkeys have no soul, but the others "get down". Bad turkeys get reincarnated as the sons of a certain female radio advice talk show host. It's a special kind of hell.

Name: Ben
e-mail: [email protected]

Are you involved in any way with the storylines involving WWF's Undertaker and/or Kane?

No, the 700 Club's storylines keep me very busy.

Name: Leif Garret
e-mail: [email protected]

It's been a while -- not that I haven't been trying to get in touch with you or anything.... I mean, I sign my mortal soul over to you (in blood, no less), and TeenBeat is the best you can do? And no work since 1980?!? C'mon, Bob...how 'bout tossing a few more bones my way before I begin this eternal damnation thing?

Hey, the big man makes those calls but he does consult with me before doing so. I recall your case. There was a mistake. Satan mixed you and Gary Coleman up. If I were you, I'd let it slide.

Name: Rebecca
e-mail: [email protected]

How do I get a weird freak to leave me alone? I'm simply not interested.

Becky? Is that you? Why don't you return my calls?

Name: Chuck Enwood
e-mail: [email protected]

Exactaly how man times per day can you masturbate without going blind?

A man has the ability to have 14238 masturbatory orgasms before going blind. The number is a little bit higher for women. They can have 15253 prior to losing their sight.

If one looks at the growth of hair on palms, the trigger level is much lower. Click here to view an excellent chart that predicts how long it takes for blindness and hair growth on palms to take place at various frequencies of self abuse.

If you are interested, I'm raising the number to 17,000 masturbatory events prior to blindness to anyone who has their forehead bar coded this week.

Name: Randy
e-mail: [email protected]

My Parakeet says her name is LP but she won't tell what the initials stand for.
1) What do the letters mean?
2) Where the hell are my keys?

LP is actually el pee. The bird, obviously originally from South America, is mocking you. He also hid your keys behind his mirror. Face it. He hates your guts because you think he is a she.

Name: Bill
e-mail: [email protected]

AC, what is the best way to remove genetic material from a dress?

Well Bill, it's a four step process:
1. Mix one teaspoonful of white neutral detergent (a mild liquid dishwashing detergent containing no strong alkalies or bleaches) with a cup of lukewarm water and put it on the stain.
2. Work one tablespoon of household ammonia with a half cup of water into the fabric
3. Mix a solution of powdered enzyme laundry detergent following the directions on the label or box. Allow the solution to remain on the stain for the length of time recommended by the manufacturer.
4. Slice open your finger and spill some of your blood onto the ground as a sacrifice to me.

Name: Lucille
e-mail: [email protected]

I like to listen to Phil Hendrie on the radio, but I live in Idaho and KFI in LA does not come in very well. What should I do?

If you don't have real audio, you need to get a 16 x 16 inch box, wrap 17 loops of 12 guage wire around it spacing the loops about 1/8 inches from each other, and attach a tuning capacitor from an old radio to the ends of the wire. Place your radio in the box and turn the capacitor's knob until the signal becomes clearer. Now if you like the results, you must send your first born to me.